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Recent The Legion of Doom Video Rating Other Lore Sites |
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AMPHIBIANS Frogs Frogs are a good comedy animal. They've got the tongue, the bulgy eyes, the spindly legs. The whole "frog in the throat" gag, if you're into recycling puns from 1918. A cat or a horse singing "Ragtime Gal" is merely odd. A kick-stepping frog in a top hat is pure hilarity, at least until it gets roped into shilling for "Charmed." A Toads Toads are kind of like sport utility frogs: uglier, slower, and somewhat better at moving over rough terrain while not exactly being good at it. I've been told by various publications that toads giving you warts is a myth, and that no, it turns out they actually can. I've never tried to track down the final word, though. It's not like having my hand covered in toad urine is a guilty pleasure that I'm stifling until I get the all clear. C+ Salamanders Ancient myths, and considerably less-ancient roleplaying games, have salamanders as elemental creatures of fire, which is odd given that all the salamanders in my peer group are fairly moist. It's like deciding that the living embodiment of grace and beauty takes the form of a three-legged pug. Actual salamanders are freaky in their own special way, though, being available in all sorts of don't-eat-me colors and some of them sporting gills that make it look like their brains are making a run for it. B Newts Apparently I have been living in a fog of deceit. I was always under the impression that newts are in some way taxonomically different from salamanders, similar to alligators and crocodiles. Turns out that some salamanders get called newts, and some get called salamanders. There's no consistent rule. I've run into a few stabs at guidelines, but they strike me as the thin whine of scientific desperation. It seems to me that there should be some standard of adorability, with the dividing line between the salamander and the newt being based on the likelihood of your mom letting you keep it. But I am, alas, not consulted in these things. C- Sirens Apparently these are a form of salamander that has no hind legs and lives permanently in water. Never leaving the water and calling yourself an amphibian seems like the vertebrate equivalent of buying all your rebellious punk outfits at Hot Topic. D Caecilians These guys are eerie. They're legless, burrowing amphibians that look really unpleasant. They combine the creepiest aspects of worms, snakes, eels, and that guy you knew in college who was always offering massages to girls he barely knew. I can't help but imagine that one of these in the old cot would make even the most grizzled longshoreman screech like a smoke detector and waggle his hands in the time-honored way of cartoon housewives. D+
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