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Recent The Legion of Doom Video Rating Other Lore Sites |
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ANGELIC ORDERS, PART I Seraphim The highest rank of angels, the Seraphim have the task of constantly circling God and telling Him He's great without actually looking at him. This pretty much fits in with popular notions of core angel skill-sets. The weird thing is that they have six wings and four heads. That's eerie. It's not the sort of thing I associate with angels. That's the sort of thing I associate with Final Fantasy boss monsters. Maybe evangelists could work with that. "Jesus is the ultimate save point" or "Christ is my walkthrough" or "If you spend enough time raising chocobos you can get the ultimate weapon: not going to Hell!" C Cherubim Clearly there was a mix-up someplace. Cherubim are mentioned very early on in the Bible as Eden's bouncers, making sure Adam and Eve don't come back. I can't say for certain that they were instructed to kill on sight, but come on, you don't give someone a flaming sword if all you want them to do is make polite suggestions. Furthermore, Ezekiel explains that they have four wings and four faces; those of a person, an ox, an eagle, and a lion. And yet somehow hundreds of years later this becomes a celestial Pampers ad, with chubby little happy angel babies making people fall in love. That's a real shame. If Valentine's Day cards featured mutated four-faced animal-beings with fiery death swords, I'd be a much cheerier guy. B Thrones Okay, get a drink and a comfortable seat, this is going to take some explaining. The first thing you have to understand is that God has a chariot that's made out of angels. Like formed from actual angels. Your job may suck, but you have to admit nobody has yet asked you and your co-workers to form a vehicle. At the same time, the thrones are big many-eyed orb-like things. That have flashy lights. So God rides a chariot made entirely out of multi-eyed flashing orb creatures that are actually angels. I can't help but feel that God would totally win a low-rider contest. C+ Dominions These guys are middle management. They take orders from above and make sure the angelic line workers are up to snuff. I like to think these guys are the ones who break the bad news to soon-to-be-fallen angels. "Hey, Emmathiel, come into my office for a sec. Close the door. Great, thanks. Look, I talked to the Cherubim about your 'take over heaven from the Lord' project, and I gotta tell you, they're not happy about it. I really went to bat for you, but I'm afraid you're being let go. Well, not so much 'let go' as 'cast out.' We'll give you a few minutes to clean out your desk and then we're going to rip off your wings and throw you into the lake of fire. I'm...I'm really sorry it had to end this way. Oh, and remember the wrist pad is technically heavenly property" C-
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