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Recent The Legion of Doom Video Rating Other Lore Sites |
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ASPECTS OF SANTA, PART 1 Chimneys "And laying his finger aside of his nose, and giving a nod, up the chimney he rose." This seems like an odd ritual to go through just to get the hell out of some guy's house. Perhaps the ritual is necessary? Is it possible that we have found Santa's one weakness? My theory is that if he is unable to lay his finger aside of his nose, Santa is helpless. And using this insight I propose to capture Santa, bind his hands, and subject him to a brutal interrogation until he reveals all his secrets, or at least coughs up that "2-XL" toy robot I asked for in third grade. C Outfit Most overweight middle-aged men can't pull off a white-and-red fur suit with black leather boots. Hell, most pimps can't pull it off. But Santa can, and do you know why? Because when you give away billions of dollars of merchandise every year, you can dress however the hell you want. If he decides that next year he's going to switch to an empire-waist yellow chiffon dress and matching two-tone high-heel pumps, who's going to complain? In this country we know whose jolly old ass to kiss if we want our stockings stuffed the way we like it. A Reindeer It's interesting that "A Visit from Saint Nicholas," one of the seminal texts of the modern Claus, specifies eight tiny reindeer. I don't know why the miniature aspect of the reindeer has been abandoned. Personally, the idea of big ol' Santa and his big ol' sleigh being hauled around by a bunch of shar-pei sized ungulates comes perilously close to filling me with something vaguely related to Christmas spirit. I think if we're not going to embrace the tininess of the reindeer, we should pick another two-syllable adjective for the poem. I suggest "angry." B Mrs. Claus I feel bad for Mrs. Claus. To begin with, her place in the Santa pantheon ranks several rungs below a mutant reindeer. Her role in the whole shebang is poorly defined; presumably she undertakes the standard pre-feminist womanly tasks of cooking, cleaning, and being seduced behind the reindeer stables by a strapping, virile young elf. A quick trip to Amazon reveals several literary attempts to fill out Mrs. Claus's legend with titles like How Mrs. Claus Saved Christmas and A Bit of Applause for Mrs. Claus. But how do we know they're real? C+ Elves I'm unclear on how Santa got his workshop started. How do you even manage to gather a skilled elven workforce? Okay, Craigslist, but how did you do it back then? Ads in the back of Pixie of Fortune magazine? Drive a pickup truck to a street corner just outside the enchanted hardware store? Of all the creatures in mythology, you'd think elves would have about the shittiest work ethic possible, but apparently they're still hard at it, making wooden trains and hobby horses and other toys nobody wants anymore. I can only imagine Santa has some serious dirt on those guys. B-
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