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ASPECTS OF SANTA, PART 2 Toy Sack Apparently, Santa's workshop is able to create any toy any child asks for. Given that Santa will undoubtedly deliver more than a few Xbox 360s this holiday season, presumably he can create products that aren't even commercially available. Perhaps he can use the power of his toy shop to make the toy shop itself unnecessary. It just takes one child to put "Little Tykes Nanotech Matter Assembler" on his Christmas list and Santa can ditch the sack and the elves and just spurt presents out of his new high-tech device like it was a machine gun of joy, shooting "cop-killer" Teflon good tidings. C Cookies There used to be some question as to why Santa needs millions of plates of cookies ready for his consumption, but the jargon of fitness has given us our answer: carbo loading. Bringing joy to all the children of the world takes focus and endurance, and Santa doesn't want to run out of glycogen over Scaffhausen. In fact, it seems to me that if the Iron Man competition wants to be taken seriously, they should swap out one of the events for Santa's job. Swimming, biking, and bringing joy to all the children of the world. B+ Sleigh On one hand, if your conveyance is being pulled through the night skies by magical reindeer, why does it need to be a sleigh? On the other hand, why would it need to be anything else? Given that it's the reindeer that provide the horsepower, the actual vehicle can be anything from a Honda Element to a colossal baked potato. It should probably be something without a roof, though, so we don't lose all those delightful "something falls out of Santa's sleigh" jokes. B- North Pole So Santa lives at the North Pole. That...sorts of makes sense. It's isolated from distractions, and that way nobody can claim to own Santa. But why the North Pole, given that there's no actual landmass up there? Why not the South Pole? Well, it's kind of an unpleasant thing to report, but...Santa hates Australians. Can't stand them. Oh, sure, he'll bring gifts to the kids -- that's his job -- but he wants to be as far away from the country as he can. He wouldn't even go see The Lord of the Rings, because it was "made by those God-cursed Australians." I tried to explain that Peter Jackson is from New Zealand, but he just gave me this look, like he pitied me for thinking there was a difference. D Letters It is my understanding that an old British tradition is to take children's letters to Santa and burn them in the fireplace, if you have one. That's hilarious. "Okay, honey, now we're going to send your carefully hand-written three-page letter to Santa and send it to him!" *FWOOSH*. I don't think I could do that with a straight face. "Hey, I have an idea! This year, why don't you make an elaborate painted toothpick diorama of what you want from Santa, and we'll send that to him! Oh, hey, I bet Santa would like a comic book to read! Why don't you go get one of your favorites, and we'll lend it to him!" Kids are such saps. A
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