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ASPECTS OF THE ATM Passwords I'm really glad hardly anybody calls them "PINs" any more, because I am dead dog tired of the whole argument that you can't say "PIN number" because that would mean "personal identification number number." Personally I could give a shit shit, but it's nice to not have to wonder, if someone says they stole your PIN, whether you should visit the DA or the office supply store. My favorite replacement term is "secret code." It makes me feel like the world's biggest Spy Kid. A- Money It's always nice to get money, although it takes some of the fun out of it when it's your own money. It doesn't feel like your own money, though, it feels like magical robot vomit money. The best money of all! I do get tired of organizing my life around twenty-dollar bills, though. The two machines I deal with most often are ATMs and parking meters, so I have to hit the sandwich shop for currency exchange services with a hefty but delicious transaction fee. The day a bank comes out with an ATM that can dispense rolls of quarters is the day I switch my financial services provider. It's also the day the sandwich shop guy starts getting tips out of me. B+ Cards I never liked the idea of smart cards; I just want everyone to take my ATM card. I understand that smart cards are supposed to be more secure by allowing me to assign cash to the card in discrete amounts. Whatever, that's just making me do the job of the Banking Overlords. You figure out how to keep it secure, you link it up to what I laughably call my bank account. I just want my Chipwich, and I don't want to carry around increasingly ugly American money or buy ten dollars worth of tree-shaped air fresheners to get it. C- Fees I remember when banks used to charge you to use ATMs. Now they pay you to stay the hell away from their tellers. Fine with me, I was overjoyed when gas pumps started taking plastic and I'm looking forward to the day when you can swipe a card through your phone and the pizza delivers itself to your door without a stoned community college student in tow. But they're still charging you for being an ATM slut with competing banks. Generally I just compensate by pulling out more money, but one of these days they're going to flash "THIS ATM DOESN'T WANT MUCH, JUST YOUR VOICE" and I'll hit okay without really paying attention and they'll have me! D Added Services My ATM never seems to be satisfied with our transactions. No matter how fat my deposit envelope is and how deftly I slide it into the slot, it always wants more, more, more. "Buy stamps!" it tells me. "I love it when you transfer funds," it says. "You know, I've never told anyone this, but when guys check their last ten transactions for a nominal charge I get so fucking hot," it purrs. Plus, I always get the uneasy feeling it secretly wishes I spoke Hmoob. D+
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