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THINGS YOU PUT ON A BIRTHDAY CAKE Candles Little colorful candles, clearly enough, are the canonical birthday cake topper. So much so, in fact, that any food you put them in automatically becomes a birthday food. Candles in a fruit torte? Birthday torte! Candles in a potato-leek quiche? Birthday quiche! Candles in the partially-decomposed body of a hobo who died of exposure and heart disease? Birthday hobo! And remember, blow out every candle on the hobo or you don't get your wish! A Numbers Technically these are candles too, but I think of them more as flaming cop-outs. Call me a traditionalist, but I want to see a number of candles equal to the age of the birthday person in question, no matter that it results in a thick layer of pastel wax. Barring that, I'm willing to cope with a single symbolic candles, or a row of white and blue candles indicating binary numbers. I'm flexible that way. But a big melting pair of digits? If you're over twenty, it's kind of lame. If you're under fourteen it's heartbreaking. D+ Plastic Figures I've always had a mild fascination with the combination of cheapo plastic figures and roughly-sculpted frosting environments. Pooh gets to climb around in a frosting tree, dinosaurs roam through artificially colored whipped underbrush, Batman patrols an incongruously sweet Gotham City. The oddest to me was always the army men, fighting over a patch of baked, sugar-encased disputed territory. So many wars could be prevented if countries could just agree that one side slices and the other side gets first choice. B- Frosting Roses Frosting flowers almost always seem to be roses. I guess it's because the little layers of petals are easy to build up, and you don't have to address the difficult issue of what a frosting stamen would look like. I have no beef with frosting roses. They seem like a reasonable way to make a cake look festive, and you don't have to pick them out of your teeth like real roses. My one real complaint is my general disappointment whenever something sugary is colorful, but not properly flavored. If the roses are pink, they should be strawberry flavored. Or possibly bubble gum. C+ Rice Paper Printout of Someone's Face This is just sad. It takes all the thrill out of the experience of seeing a well-decorated cake when you just pulled the birthday person's face out of a printer. I know that digital imaging exists. It doesn't impress me. You could just hand me a piece of cake and a Polaroid and the effect would be the same. I guess what I'm saying here is that while sometimes I feel that my life lacks ritual, the ceremonial eating of my friends' faces doesn't seem like the most comfortable way of filling that gap. D-
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