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CHRISTMAS ORNAMENTS Colorful Ball Most people would probably see the delicacy of the Generic Colorful Ornament Ball as a drawback, but for me it has become a source of nostalgia. For whatever reason, I remember childhood Christmases mostly for their clutter: tinsel strips, opened envelopes, empty cans of stewed pumpkin, and tiny shards of shattered Generic Colorful Ornament. Plus, they allow any jerk with a copy of Microsoft Paint to make a Christmas tree drawing. Green triangle, yellow star, buncha multicolored circles. Or just red circles, if you're really lazy. A- Tinsel It was a decade or so before I realized that tinsel was supposed to evoke icicles. I still don't really see it, honestly, but I understand it at least. You'd think that people who are surrounded by actual lung-searing cold wouldn't want to make their houses appear colder than they actually were. But I'm in California, so the imitation ice is just quaint. If we really wanted to re-create winter we'd hang slightly thicker socks from the tree, paint the ceiling kind of a harsh blue, and deck the halls with posters for movies that feature thirty-six scenes with explosions and one scene with a mall Santa. C- Trademarked Winnie-The-Pooh in a Santa Hat I can see. A little scale model Enterprise I can sort of see, if only due to the geek need to hang scale-model Enterprises from everything. But are people really intent on hanging Assembly Line Lucy Ricardo from their yuletide boughs? It doesn't fit the Christmas principle, it doesn't fit the generic dangly thing principle, it's just a scene from a sitcom with a hook on it. I don't get you people. D Candles Clearly, one sign of the increased wimpiness of our society is that we no longer use actual candles on our Christmas trees. The same cultural nannies who have banned those slightly-serrated butterknives from eighteen states, and who successfully campaigned to have street curbs in Cincinnati covered in ankle-protecting velour, have now convinced us that precariously attaching live flame to a dead, resin-exuding tree is somehow dangerous. The fact is, I don't know anyone who has died in a tree-candle fire. I don't even know anyone who suffered burns to more than about a third of their body. Mark my words, if this keeps up we'll soon see prominently marked fire exits in all public buildings. C Construction Paper Rings These, I'm certain, are only popular because they contribute to the self-esteem of kindergarteners. You don't see construction paper ring garlands for sale anywhere. They either come from school or some grotty rainy-day crafts book. So you throw them on the tree, then take them down and toss them in the God's Eye/Lanyard/Fingerpainting closet. Meanwhile, those of us without kids use that closet space to store excellent scotch and racy DVDs. D+ Angel/Star Traditionally, you can put a star or an angel on top of the tree. Either one; nobody seems to care. Given the American temperment, I'd expect long Web screeds about anarchist socialists and their heathen star-placing, but people are pretty relaxed. Of course, you can always buy a tree-Buddha if you're feeling like a smartass. Me, I'm thinking a little King Kong would be whimsical. Or a tiny platform with a little member of Earth First and some eensy rice cakes. B-
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