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Recent The Legion of Doom Video Rating Other Lore Sites |
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CLOWN GEAR Big Red Nose We all know that a red sphere on the end of the nose practically screams "clown," which I suppose is better than the clown itself doing the screaming. Nobody likes a screaming clown. It puts one off one's feed. But why a red nose? My understanding is that the nose is intended to represent the bulbous, broken-capillary-filled nose of a long-time alcoholic. Maybe clowns should complete the look with a comically enlarged liver and resentful adult children. C Bright Red Hair An extremely casual survey indicates that strawberry red is far and away the most popular color for clown hair, followed distantly by those godawful rainbow wigs. I don't know why those things are still acceptable in public. If the clown community doesn't start self-policing with regards to rainbow wigs, the federal government may have to step in. Anyhow, red. I figure either it's to match the nose, or it's some sort of slur against the Irish. C+ Big Red Lips The whole "fake smile painted on the face" thing bugs me. First off, it doesn't look like a fake smile, it looks like the aftermath of an all-you-can-eat-ribs deal at Smudgy McWipeless, the family-style napkin-free restaurant. Secondly, if you're going to take on a career in clowndom, it seems like the least you can commit to is doing your own smiling. If flight attendants can be coerced into a fixed smile throughout a transatlantic flight, a clown should be able to pull it off for a few balloon animals and a dog trick. D Baggy Pants I guess we should be glad baggy pants are the clown standard. It would not improve what little amusement is to be found in the timeworn clown repertoire to be able to make out the countours of individual clown testicles. It would be distracting at best, and more likely psychologically scarring. B+ Floppy Shoes I'm not sure what's supposed to be funny about floppy shoes. Is it that the clown is supposed to have big feet, or that the clown is supposed to be wearing shoes that are far too large? Maybe a little of both, but that seems a bit subtle for someone whose ouevre involves whipped cream and seltzer water in equal amounts. Either way, it doesn't seem to be that funny. When's the last time you said of an acquaintance "Boy, that guy has funny feet." The only time my feet have been funny is when some cheap socks turned them blue, and even then you really had to be there. C Whiteface It's the white greasepaint that really makes a clown terrifying. It's bad enough having some random guy in a fright wig telling you knock-knock jokes, but when he has the pallor of the grave about him it loads the whole thing on the ferry to West Nightmarish. Somehow even a spinning bow tie and a plaid vest seem macabre when in close proximity to the Leering Death Mask of Frivolity. D-
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