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ITEMS FROM THE DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION GIFT BAG A Plush Frog The frog is red, white, and blue, because it's a national political convention. That's such an obvious choice it's pathetic. It's like naming your cat "Fluffy" or your butler "Jeeves." The frog is named Tad Jr. but he has the word "Boston" on his chest so that eight years from now when you're saying to yourself "Where in God's name did I get a tricolor frog?" The answer will be right in front of you. I think more plush toys should have that feature. I have a handful of stuffed animals that would say "One of Those Claw Games at a Denny's You Went to Drunk." C A Pink Razor I didn't go to the DNC myself, and the guy who sent me the packet, Dave Barker, is a male guy, not a female guy, so I'm not sure if this is some sort of gender mismatch or if there's some connection between the Democratic National Convention and pink personal care products. I imagine Ann Coulter could think up about six. The thing I like about this is that it's called a "Passion Venus." I'm glad we've reached the point in society where all feminine products have names like silicone vibrators. B A Pad of Paper This is nice paper, but it has "Crane's" -- the manufacturer's name -- at the top of every page. I've had an aversion to using products with overly prominent trademarks on them since a bad experience with a Le Car in 1983. It also has the history of the company written on the inside of the cover, so it doubles as a way to get really bored. C- Macaroni and Cheese Kraft plays both sides in the political game, distributing boxes of mac and cheese at both major conventions, the Democrats getting donkey shapes and the Republicans getting elephant shapes. Maybe they have a Libertarian version with little guns and copies of Atlas Shrugged, I'm not sure. At any rate, this is just the sort of political favor-buying that needs to be eradicated in this country. Whoever ends up in the White House, we know who will be calling the shots in the arena of global cheesiness issues. If the next administration establishes national cholesterol minimums, we'll know who to blame. B A Coupon I'm glad to know our political representatives can take comfort and solace from five free digital prints at CVS pharmacy. At 29 cents each, that's a big buck forty-five worth of freedom. These are the things that make us a beacon unto the world. You know how many free prints government representatives in Syria get? Well, pretty much all they want, it's a totalitarian state. But they're dark, somber digital prints, color-balanced by the forces of oppression and sent to the printer of tyranny via the USB cable of non-representative rulership. D
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