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Recent The Legion of Doom Video Rating Other Lore Sites |
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ELEMENTS, PART II Oxygen O2 is the rose and thorns of the biosphere. On one hand, it gives and sustains life, making possible the existence of every single living thing on the planet, with the exception of anaerobic bacteria, and they're all jerks. On the other hand, it blows up. On one hand, it makes fire possible, setting early hominids on the road to the discovery of civilization. On the other hand, it rusts stuff. On one hand, it is essential to the existence of water, cool mother to us all and refresher of our bodies. On the other hand, it makes Tequiza possible. Toss-up, really. C Silicon The phrase "carbon-based life forms," so popular with science fiction writers and people making jokes about science fiction writers, immediately brings up the question of alternatives. Assuming you want to avoid bizarre options like electromagnetic-based life forms and pleasant-thoughts-about-fondue-based life forms, silicon is a pretty good option, for reasons I don't really understand or care about. It's carbon-esque, I guess. Anyhow, silicon-based life forms would probably melt instead of burning, and they'd probably smell like ozone when you did something to piss them off, such as forgetting their birthday. Important silicon note: jokes involving a pun on silicon/silicone are no longer funny. They ceased to be funny in April 1982. Please stop. C+ Radon I admit to a soft spot in my heart for the noble gases. It takes a lot of character to be able to avoid the temptation to give up an electron or two to oxygen or similarly alluring elements. It's all I can do to not buy a fruit pie every time I stop for gas. Radon is interesting because it's both noble and deadly, like Vlad the Impaler. And, unlike the other noble gases, Radon has its own month: January is National Radon Action Month! BIFF! POW! DECAY INTO POLONIUM-218! A- Titanium I'm not clear on the metallurgic properties of titanium. I'm not sure why they make golf clubs and bicycle frames out of it, but I believe in titanium, because it has a kick-ass name. It sound like the perfect metal for the giant rocket-shooting robots, galaxy-spanning spaceships, and technologically advanced pleasure toys of the future. In fact, if titanium doesn't work out for these purposes, I propose we take the name "titanium" for whatever substance is used in those things and rename titanium "golfclubium" or something. B+ Technetium Okay, if you sell more than half a million copies of your album, you get a gold record. And if you sell a million, you get a platinum record. So far so good. But the next step up, 10 million records, gets you a diamond record. Come on, RIAA marketing goons! Can't you think of another expensive metal? How about technetium? Not only is it massively expensive, it has to be created under laboratory conditions and has a half-life of about six hours. Just like most pop bands! Ah, the social satire flows fast and thick here at Ratings central. B
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