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ASPECTS OF ELVIS The Hair Elvis, like Groucho, is one of those celebrities you can imitate with a single prosthesis. If you have a black DA the height of a modest wedding cake, and sideburns big enough to require their own Roomba, you are Elvis. A sneer and a mumbled "thankyewverramush" are helpful, but not required. I'm not sure what you are if you have Elvis hair and Groucho glasses, but I think it's the sort of thing that gets central European peasants to stock up on pitchforks and torches. B- The Hips The fun thing about fifties censorship is that it's so quaint. Rock stars were routinely condemned for wearing suggestive tie tacks and attending unchaperoned taffy pulls. Certainly, Elvis's hip thrusts were suggestive of a vigorous boning, or more precisely of a rodeo event wherein one is required to sodomize a frisky Guernsey calf without using one's hands, but at this point we as a society have seen bands wearing socks on their genitals and Elton John and Eminem french kissing on national television, so a mimed calf-fucking doesn't strike us as that scandalous. C The Jumpsuits I am told that Elvis patterned the jumpsuit-and-glitter look of this later years after the comic book character Captain Marvel, making him the most popular superhero-based rock star if we ignore Madonna's short-lived Iron Man phase. He also managed to pioneer the practice of throwing sweat-soaked articles of clothing at adoring women, something that doesn't work as often as you'd like, and doesn't work on librarians at all. C The Death To really secure your place in history you have to die. Otherwise there's always the chance that you'll do something to screw things up like convert to an unpopular religion or release "Flowers in the Dirt." It's especially handy if you die unexpectedly, if you die under seedy circumstances, and if you manage to get people to seriously discuss the possibility that you faked your death. Nice hat trick, Elvis! A The Movies Elvis movies are pleasantly unchallenging. There's this girl, there are other guys, singing is accomplished, other cultures are explored in an embarrassingly condescending way. It's fun! Plus, each movie is guaranteed to contain at least one dazzlingly surreal moment involving a woman's ass, usually involving either a spanking or some bizarre pop music mating ritual. A-
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