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FORTUNETELLING METHODS, PART II Bibliomancy This is telling your fortune by opening a book and reading a line at random. The key here is choosing the right book. I tried it with Hop on Pop and my fortune is apparently "Eat a snack." Eerily accurate, if not precisely earth-shaking. Bad books for bibliomancy include Carrie, Left Behind, and the collected works of Hunter S. Thompson. Good books include The Sweet Potato Queens' Book of Love, most Nancy Drew mysteries, and any cookbook. ("There are two cups of cake flour in my future!") Pat the Bunny is also nice if you like soothing augury.B Pyromancy Really, fire is good for anything. Defense, education, waste disposal. Burning things. Creating things which are burnt. And, according to pyromancy, it's good for telling the future. The simplest form of pyromancy involves staring at the coals and seeing what the shapes look like. I don't mean to be a doubting doubter, but my future appears to involve mostly horsies and duckies. C Crystallography This is your classic crystal-ball-into-looking. My copy of The Little Giant Encyclopedia of Fortune Telling lays down a bunch of rules for crystal ball care: "Only you should handle your crystal ball." "Do not allow direct sunlight to fall on the crystal ball." "Wash the crystal ball using vinegar and water." Is it just me or are these just transcribed instructions for vaginal hygiene circa 1953?D+ Necromancy Necromancy, to me, means raising an army of undead to strike fear into the hearts of tunic-wearing villagers, but apparently simply chatting with dead people counts too. The most popular home necromancy kit is of course the Ouija board. Even more amusing to me than the fact that you can buy necromancy at Kay-Bee Toys is the fact that it's labeled "for ages 8 and up." Because seven is just a bit too young to be communing with the dead.A- Cromniomancy So you come up with a question, then write possible answers to that question ("Eric," "Tom," "Kill Them All") on individual onions. The first to sprout is the correct answer. It's like a biological cootie catcher. The problem here is the time investment. The very fact that you're trying to tell the future implies a certain degree of impatience, doesn't it? If you're going to have to wait for your answer you may as well be using chronomancy, the art of telling the future by waiting to see what happens.D Graphology There's a lot of controversy over the scientific validity of handwriting analysis as a personality indicator. My feeling is that there are some times when it's definitely applicable. For instance, if someone writes their capital "I" with a large loop and in human blood, they're probably somewhat unbalanced. If the "I" is used in the sentence "I am glad the DVD for Glitter has director's commentary," then definitely so.C-
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