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PHOBIAS, PART I Acrophobia Acrophobia is a pain, because there's a lot more height than there is non-height. For each square foot of level ground, there are several miles of height. Even more, if you're not into the whole breathing scene. Luckily gravity tends to keep you fairly near the ground, but then this whole phobia is gravity's fault in the first place. If we were free to float around our environment, it wouldn't even be an issue. This isn't the only reason I advocate research into turning us into happy anthropomorphic Sea Monkeys, but it's one of the better ones. C- Phobophobia I am unable to determine whether phobophobbia -- the fear of fear itself -- is an actual affliction people have, or just the invention of a smartass with a love of Latin. If it does really exist, I imagine it would be either completely debilitating or no problem at all, depending on whether you can just not think about it. The real problem would be aphobophobia, the fear of NOT being afraid. "Oh god I'm not afr--oh wait, I am afraid, phew--wait, I'm not! Oh my g--hey, I am again, that's--oh no" until someone hits you in the back of the head with a therapeutic shovel. D Ailurophobia Some people are so afraid of cats that they can't even read about them. You silly people! How can you resist the darling slits of their greenish, alien eyes? How can you deprive yourselves of the incessant kneading of their razor-sharp, blood-drawing claws? How can you turn away from the unearthly throb of the purr exuding from deep within their soulless, carnivorous little bodies? They're gentle friends until the day they suffocate you in your sleep. C Genuphobia Genuphobia is the fear of knees. I usually avoid taking delight in other people's ailments, but what the hell. This is great! I can just imagine someone saying "Oh, god! Knees!" or "Don't let the knees get me!" The worst part is, you can't even go into the fetal position! That would just bring you closer to the dread knees! It must really suck to be afraid of a part of your own body. I mean, I don't really trust my elbows to be there for me in a crisis, but that's a different issue entirely. A Thanatophobia Can a fear of death really be classified as a phobia? Isn't that something like a coitus fetish? I'll take a wild guess here that thanatophobia is specifically an unreasonable fear of death, but when you're dealing with something that's both undesirable and inevitable, you kind of have to wonder who's the unbalanced one, the person who treats impending mortality with the paralyzing fear it deserves, or the rest of us who manage to avoid thinking about it in favor of, say, whether our Liquid Paper has the viscosity we deserve. B
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