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PHOBIAS, PART II Claustrophobia Claustrophobia is, of course, the fear of enclosed spaces. I don't have a problem with elevators or walk-in closets, but I do sometimes get panicky when I can't get out of a sweater. I think that's pretty normal, though. Happens to Navy SEALs all the time. Anyhow: did claustrophobes ever make couch forts as a kid? Maybe they made couch tennis courts. Or couch pastures. "That cushion over there is a hillock. That one's a sheep. Whee!" C- Hydrophobia Unfortunately, a little research tells me that hydrophobia -- the fear of water -- is typically a fear of deep water you can drown in, not the fear of water in its many forms. I was all prepared to speculate on the efficacy of substituting sugar-free Kool Aid for water in all cases including hygeine and engine maintenance, and whether it included a fear of ice during power outages. But that's all ruined, it's just the boring old fear that you'll drown. Blast you, reasearch! Blast you! D Pterygophobia This is the fear of flying, and the source of most miniature booze bottle sales worldwide. I find that I'm very comfortable with flying, mostly because I ignore everything I learned in physics class. If I really believed all that stuff about lift and drag and the bernoulli effect, I'd never get on a plane again. No, I firmly believe that airplanes work because they have rockets. Of course you can fly with rockets! Iron Man does it all the time. It does limit my access to gliders and helicopters, but as long as I can look out and see what appear to be rockets on the wing, I'm okay. B+ Neophobia This is not the fear that they might make a fourth Matrix movie, it's the fear of anything new. Although the Matrix thing would be a particularly justified manifestation thereof. I'm unclear on where the neophobe sets the baseline for "new." Since their birth? Or is it a rolling "new," so that right now neophobes are merely nervous around white iPods, but start clawing paint off the walls at the sight of those new little pink ones? It would be strange to live in constant terror that Burger King might, at this very moment, be finishing R&D work on a new type of onion ring. C Odontiatophobia Frankly, the dentist's office is such a horror show of potential treatments, you could probably break this down into several phobias. First there's aglophobia, the fear of pain. Then there's machairophobia, the fear of metal instruments that look like they're designed to extract secrets from carp, chordiphobia, the fear of being lectured about dental floss, malgustiphobia, the fear of really nasty tasting flouride preparations, and entypophobia, the fear of insurance forms. Throw in a fear of Newsweek back issues, and you've got the whole package. B+
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