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Recent The Legion of Doom Video Rating Other Lore Sites |
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ASPECTS OF PIRATES, PART II Peg Legs You'd think that a group of people prone to decorating themselves with gold earrings and fancy scarves would want something a little more interesting than a wooden leg-dowel to replace their lost limb. Maybe something in silver with ruby toenails. Sure, it requires a little more effort to take proper care of it, but you can't sodomize the cabin boy 24/7. C- Floppy Hat I suspect that a couple days in the sea air would leave an ostrich plume looking like the detached tail of a mangy Afghan hound, but I'm no expert on plumage, sailing, or foppery. I do know this, though: a pirate crew clearly needs strong leadership, and nothing inspires morale like a captain who looks like a drag queen after a clearance sale at Chet's House of Velvet and Maribou. Show up to work in a pair of chinos and a nice denim shirt and you'll be kissing the gunner's daughter faster than you can say "Reginald Dwight." B Alchoholism Having to go without rum is the third-most annoying thing to a pirate. The second is hearing that joke about the R-rated movie again. The first is dying of malaria. Rum is important to piracy because it doesn't go bad like water or beer, because it serves as a reward for hard work, and because it gets you completely drunk. When you're stuck on board a ship with dozens of men in various states of dismemberment for months at a time, the smell alone will encourage you to spend as much time as you can utterly crocked. B- Hooks I feel bad for Captain Hook. It must be unpleasant to be named after your one major flaw other than an obsession with boys in green tights. Of course, for all I know, before he got the hook he was named after some other deficiency, like Captain Drooly or Captain Makes That Guinea Pig Noise With His Teeth. Compared to that, Captain Hook is pretty snazzy. Not snazzy enough to make up for having to learn to play guitar with your feet, but snazzy nonetheless. C+ Jargon You'd think pirates would get tired of the sailing talk after a while. If I spent fourteen hours a day dealing with lanyards and larboards, once I got to port I'd want to lay off for a bit. But pirates are always calling each other bilge rats and liking the cut of each other's jibs and bragging about the size of their mizzenmasts. I know from experience that programmers, for instance, don't talk entirely in programming jargon. Sometimes they make Star Wars references or quote Monty Python. C
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