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PORN TITLES TAKEN FROM A LIST SOME GUY POSTED TO USENET, PART II World's Biggest Footjob Gangbang Some times when I write the Ratings, I look up information about whatever it is I'm writing about, the better to seem erudite and to tie it in somehow with old G.I. Joe cartoons. Sometimes, however, I don't look up any information, the better to preserve my sanity. I'm pretty sure I know what a footjob gangbang is, but that little shard of uncertainty is precious to me, and I preserve it like a former debutante saving a slice of her wedding cake. At any rate, the world's biggest footjob gangbang seems like one of those records you set primarily by virtue of nobody else caring. I find it difficult to believe that American, French, and Chinese footjob gangbang teams were all vying for the title and the glory. I bet it was just some people and some feet. C+ Tunnelvision This is a disappointing title. I've come to expect either half-assed mainstream movie parody titles ("Citizen Came") or uncomfortably anatomical descriptions of sex acts that I never would have come up with on my own ("Calling All Nostril Rimmers #3"). This is definitely a porn title, so I don't think it's the 1976 film featuring a pre-WKRP Howard Hesseman. Now that I think about it, "Tunnelvision" could be a slang term for any number of potentially uncomfortable sex practices. And now to stop thinking about it. C- Real Female Orgasms #3 Oh, give it up. If you have the power of self-delusion that allows you to believe that every female orgasm on a porn DVD is real because, you know, it says so, you may as well rent "Girls Who Are Lesbians Except They Would Totally Do You If You Lived In Ventura For Free Even #12." Or, save yourself the trouble, just tell yourself that sixteen sex-starved coffee shop baristas just knocked down your door and boffed you to within an inch of your life then departed leaving nothing but two pounds of Kona, because that's precisely as likely. C- Lewd Conduct #1 It seems kind of presumptuous to call a porn flick "#1." I thought "The First Pokémon Movie" was taking a gamble, but this is really tenuous. How can you be sure that Lewd Conduct is going to be popular enough to warrant a sequel? Especially with a feeble title like that. "Lewd Conduct" is barely suggestive enough to make a Victorian governess reach for the smelling salts. In a world with porn titles like "Assault That Ass" and "Cum Drippers #3," "Lewd Conduct" sounds like something involving underarm body noises and maybe, maybe some light mooning. D+ Pussyman's Snatch Attack I can't decide which word in this title I like least. There's definitely some synergy going on here; the title taken as a whole is disturbing enough to make me wonder if there isn't something fundamentally wrong with heterosexuality. This is like when you're eight and you see a movie about something stupid like giant voles and it takes you the better part of a decade to get over your vole fear. I'm not entirely sure what a snatch attack is, but I'm definitely worried that it might happen to me. I'm equally worried that Pussyman will somehow be involved. I'm sure before too long I'll be walking down a dark deserted street and I'll start walking faster because I can't be entirely sure that Pussyman isn't nearby with a snatch attack on his mind. D-
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