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STATE QUARTERS, PART 5
![[Illinois Coin]](/img/quarter-il.gif) |
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The centerpiece of this twenty-five cent piece is a young Abraham Lincoln stepping through the irregular outline of a time portal into an unspecified point outside Chicago. Judging from his posture, his goal is to break into the Chicago comedy scene with a Tim Allen-esque caveman impression. God speed, young comedy neanderthal Abraham Lincoln! Bonus Trivia Fact: The phrase "21st State/Century" is dumb. C+
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![[Alabama Coin]](/img/quarter-al.gif) |
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This coin celebrates Helen Keller, an Alabaman who had an excuse not to learn to read, but did anyway. What an inspiring message to the young Alabaman who may be considering literacy! The quarters have Helen Keller's name in tiny miniature braille, presumably so that blind pixies and elves can enjoy them as well. It's about time Alabama recognized that handicapped wee folk are contributing members of society as well as excellent trout bait. B-
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![[Maine Coin]](/img/quarter-me.gif) |
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Depicted are a lighthouse emitting alert lines, and a schooner. The schooner, the US Mint Web site informs us, "resembles 'Victory Chimes,'" which to us non-Maine layfolk just means that it's a picture of a schooner. "'Victory Chimes,'" it continues, "has become synonymous with Maine windjamming." Not windjamming in general, mind you. Maine windjamming. Presumably Rhode Island windjamming has its own set of synonyms, leading to wacky, sitcom-worthy mixups at interstate windjamming meets, or as windjamming aficionados call them, "cluster-fucks." C
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![[Missouri Coin]](/img/quarter-mo.gif) |
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Missouri further explores the time-travel theme pioneered by Illinois, picturing Lewis and Clark returning to the St. Louis Arch, which was built decades later to commemorate their return. This makes me wonder: what if the arch fell on them, killing them before they could complete their journey? Then, presumably, the arch wouldn't be built, which means that it couldn't fall on them, so they'd successfully complete the journey, which means that it would be built, which means it would kill them. It's like a paradox you can put in your pocket and spend on Twizzlers! B
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![[Arkansas Coin]](/img/quarter-ar.gif) |
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Rice. A diamond. A duck. A lake. I feel like the Arkansas quarter shows the possible answers to some demented multiple choice question the Devil keeps in his ass. If you put photographs of those things in front of me and asked what they had in common, I would boggle at them until my angry brain cut me off from reality and informed me I was now Duke of Teacup Land. I would be a wise but firm ruler to the small, breakable people of Teacup Land, living a long life and siring many strong sons who would fight over the throne even as they stood over my deathbed. Eventually I would drift off into smug death, never knowing that the answer was "Arkansas." D+
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