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SKATEBOARDING MOVES FROM THE TONY HAWK GAMES Impossible Good way to make your extreme sport seem more exciting: give your tricks names that make them sound unreasonably difficult. This applies to other activities, too. If you're a carpenter, don't just make a credenza, make a "paradox credenza". Want to impress a potential life-mate on that all-important morning after? Don't just make a pesto scramble, make a "pesto scramble that defies the laws of space and time." If you're going to make a movie, why make a documentary about independent fishermen when you could make a "documentary about independent fishermen that people actually want to watch"? B Melon Kinda dull. "I did a melon" sounds like a scene from a teenage sex comedy, not a potentially life-bruising trick pulled off at dozens of miles an hour. But in the end, it's a well-chosen name because the move is hard, but sweet. Naw, I just made that up. For all I know it was invented by Douglas Reginald Melon. Or it was called the "delectable firm female breast move" and Neversoft cleaned it up for the kiddies. So many possibilities, it makes my head spin, flip the board, then shoot up the half-pipe. C- Nose Manual This has something to do with balancing on two wheels, but it's better out of context. Frankly, I think we could all use a nose manual. As an exercise in whimsy, I am adapting the StarTrak Astronomy Program User Manual to our nose-based purposes. Chapter One: What is your nose? What does it do? Chapter Two: Setting up your nose for your timezone. Chapter Three: Selecting an object in your nose. A- Kickflip McTwist I'm glad skateboarding grabbed this one, because I think it's important that something be called "Kickflip McTwist." If it didn't show up in the game, we'd either have to invent a new ice-cream-based fast food beverage, pitch a cop show to Fox or, as a last resort, dig up Dr. Seuss's corpse and make him write one last story about a little boy with an unusual way of walking. Presumably a Grooba-ma-foo would be involved at some point. A 360 With all these imaginative names for jumping in the air and spazzing out, it's kind of disappointment that rotations are treated strictly mathematically. Here's my proposal: a full spin is called a "Raoul." A half-spin is called a "Buttcracker." A single Raoul is just a Raoul, but for the second and further full spins, you attach the appropriate anniversary descriptor: cotton, leather, fruit, and so forth. So if you manage to pull off four and a half spins, that's a "Candy Raoul Buttcracker." Tell me that's not satisfying. D+
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