|
Recent The Legion of Doom Video Rating Other Lore Sites |
|
WAYS TO GO STRAIGHT UP Ladders Even though these days they're encrusted with stickers that say "Do Not Climb, And If You Do Climb, For God's Sake Don't Go Reaching For Things," ladders are pretty decent ways to climb up and reach things. This is a problem, because you don't know which stickers are serious. By careful experimentation, I've discovered that generally you can actually safely climb them, and even take both your hands off them if you're not drunk or wearing your disorienting Ultraman helmet. The warning about not closing the ladder on your neck is pretty serious, though. B- Helicopters I'm happy that helicopters have so many and varied uses, most notably in the traffic-reporting, mangled-person-transporting, and fugitive-pinpointing industries. Blimps are all like "Hey, I can show you what a football field looks like from directly above," and helicopters are like "You suck so bad. If there's a forest fire, please stay out of my way, as I can be very handy in fighting forest fires and will thus not be able to find time to kick your ass." And blimps are all like "Hum de hoo advertising tires over this way." A Rock Climbing Rock climbing is the universal commercial symbol. Whether you're advertising an off-road vehicle, trustworthy investment advice, or regular bowels, a guy in shorts grunting his way up a sheer cliff face is the perfect image to get people to reach for the old MasterCard. I swear, one of these days I'm going to see a commercial with a rock climber and a voiceover saying "To succeed...you must try...and to try...you must risk...and to risk... you must strive..." and then the guy gets to the top and there's a copy of Candy Land. "Candy Land: Because You Succeed." It would probably sell a lot of Candy Land. C Jumping Jumping is much, much more useful in video games than in real life. In video games it's often instrumental from saving the world from some sort of grotesque otherworldly force, not to mention getting 100%. In real life, it mostly helps keep your socks dry. Maybe I just need a more exciting life, like the ones where the ground is collapsing most days. Until then, while I could hop up to try and get the cheesecloth off the top of the bookshelf, chances are I'll either find something to climb up on or just find some other way to mummify garden pests. D Anti-Gravity Belts I'm not sure why anti-gravity devices usually come in belt form. As depicted, gravity-defiers aren't being pulled into the atmosphere by their hips, so one assumes that there's some sort of all-over gravitational effect, which means that it could really take the form of any piece of clothing. Anti-gravity pants would be particularly welcome, just because it would be so much fun to say "These? Anti-gravity pants." I would also enjoy an anti-gravity ascot or cravat. Just to have an excuse to wear one. B+
|
|
|
