The Book of Ratings | Old Trading Cards I Bought at a Shop in San Francisco, Part 1

data/tradingcards1.html The Book of Ratings | Old Trading Cards I Bought at a Shop in San Francisco, Part 1

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OLD TRADING CARDS I BOUGHT AT A SHOP IN SAN FRANCISCO, PART 1

Rock Stars

These cards depict members of four rock bands: Queen, Kiss, the Village People, and The Babys. One of these things is not like the others. I have no idea who The Babys were, but I'm quite certain the most important thing that ever happened to them was being grouped with Queen, Kiss, and the Village People in a bubble gum package. The actual cards are pretty much what you'd expect: blurry photos of bare chests and ludicrous outfits. The backs of the cards are either pieces of bigger blurry hairy chests, or fun facts about the band. For example: "Today, Village People are the hottest and kinkiest sound in disco." That's pretty hot and kinky. Much hotter and kinkier than the hottest and kinkiest sound in diet cola jingles. B

Best Quote: "Mr. T. as he is called by his friends cruises around town in a sporty Trans-AM."

Mork and Mindy

The sitcom that jump-started the careers of Pam Dawber and that other guy, Mork and Mindy not only made millions laugh their rainbow suspenders off, it also inspired a heavily classy set of trading cards. First off, you get ten cards AND a sticker. Secondly, the photos on the cards don't just sit there and smirk at you. Each and every one has an authentic Mork and Mindy speech balloon on it, gently corralling such wads of humor as "GREETINGS, MY MAIN MUNCHKIN!" and "MORK--THAT'S NOT AN ELEVATOR...IT'S A WASHING MACHINE!" Most of the jokes end with an exclamation point, because that's how you know they're funny. About half the cards have another quote on the back, a veritable Morkucopia of hilarity that will have you laughing and laughing and laughing until you shove the cards in your mouth and suffocate and die. B+

Best Quote: "MINDY I'D LIKE TO TAKE YOU TO A RESTAURANT WITH LOTS OF ATMOSPHERE, NITROGEN!"

The Rocky Horror Picture Show

The back of this packet has an ad for The Official Rocky Horror Picture Show Novel, the "official" apparently letting you know that the book is an authorized, authentic really really bad idea. Whatever charms Rocky Horror holds cannot be translated into text. Plus yelling along with a novel makes you look really dumb. Moreso. Getting to the actual contents, the cards are pretty much what you'd expect: stills from the movie and the odd publicity shot. The backs are a real disappointment, offering nothing more than a terse description of the front: "WEDDING CAR," for instance. Oh, and there's no gum. It completely fails to capture the magic of film, music, or dressing up in women's clothing. D

Best Quote: "WEDDING CAR"

CB Convoy Code

I'm not sure what a "convoy code" is. I assume it's some intersection of chivalry and chewing tobacco. At any rate, the stickers included in this pack are literal depictions of CB lingo. For instance, "Peanut Butter Ears" shows a guy, drawn in sort of a crappy Cracked Magazine/Wacky Packages style, liberally spreading peanut butter into his ears. The backs of the stickers have portions of a "CB Dictionary," but not the portion that actually explains the term on the front. So I have no idea whether a "steamer" really is, as depicted, a car with steam coming out of the radiator, or if that's a whimsical play on words. And yet I manage to get by in the world. C-

Best Quote: "CB Babies -- Those who misuse their CB priveleges. Violates other CBers."

Here's Bo

"PHOTO CARDS BY JOHN DEREK," the package excitedly explains, as if anyone who would buy a packet of Bo Derek pictures gives an airborne coitus who took them. The selling point is nipples. The photos could be taken by the ressurected corpse of Alfred Stieglitz and still the only two concerns of the buyer would be "How many nipples are poking out?" and "How far out do they poke?" The answers in this case are "Two" and "Not very." I could have masturbated to them when I was thirteen, but at thirteen I could have, with a little work, masturbated to "O Canada." And I'm not even Canadian. D+

Best Quote: "Bo is an excellent Windsurfer."

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