The Book of Ratings | Old Trading Cards I Bought at a Shop in San Francisco, Part 2

data/tradingcards2.html The Book of Ratings | Old Trading Cards I Bought at a Shop in San Francisco, Part 2

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OLD TRADING CARDS I BOUGHT AT A SHOP IN SAN FRANCISCO, PART 2

Growing Pains

It cracks me up that Growing Pains had fans who would run out and buy merchandise. Family Ties, sure. The Cosby Show, maybe. But Growing Pains? I'd sooner buy a Thicke of the Night lunchbox than one with the Growing Pains gang on it. Anyhow the cards depict various forgettable, imitable, and comparable moments from the series, including something involving a cake, something involving a table, and lots and lots of puffy hair. If you ever get thrown out of a plane, aim for the heads of the cast of Growing Pains. Their bouffs and dos will cushion your landing so well, you'll think you're being put gently to bed by your beloved nanny. D

Best Quote: "How many of Mike Seaver's outrageous adventures can you recall? How about the time he had a run in with a dirt bike...and the bike bit back!"

Rad Dudes

Simply pathetic. Just about as lame as a trading card can be short of writing "Yastrzemski" on a torn cardboard box lid with a Sharpie. The ostensible Rad Dudes depicted are not consistently either rad or dudes. While "Boogie Boardin' Bob" is both a dude and marginally rad, "Nerdy Nathan" is not rad, and "Awesome Volleyball Val" is not a dude. I'd say that radness and dudeness intersect on only three of the cards I got. That is not acceptable percentage of the US RDA. Next stupidness: the art is lame. Next stupidness: the quotes on the back are completely devoid of humor. If laughter is found to cause cancer, these cards will be hailed as a medical miracle. Final sudden-death stupidness bonus round: out of ten cards, four are repeats. So now I have two "Busted Bens" and it makes me surly. D-

Best Quote, Such As It Is: "2 Na + CL2 = 2 NaCl."

Menudo

Christ, I thought the gay rock icon cards had lots of bare chests. I had no idea how much time the members of Menudo spent swimming. On the other hand, if I had to wear matching polo shirts from Dork Brothers Clothiers I'd take any chance to strip down to my shorts as well. The backs are written in both English and Spanish, so culture is no barrier to learning that Charlie is a Gemini. In an amazing act of non-prescience, one of the cards explains that Ricky Martin is destined to be a future comedian. C-

Best Quote: "Los integrantes del groupo no pueden ser mayor del quince años, manteniendo así el toque juvenil y entusiasmo."

Turned-On Iron-Ons

I inspected the enclosed iron-on for any signs of arousal or tumescence and came up empty-handed. As it were. So already I've been deceived. At this rate I'll never again trust printed wax paper. The single tiny iron-on included is a picture of a dirt bike with the word "HODAKA," which I now understand is a brand of Taiwanese motorcycle. Instructive, yet boring. If there are any Hodaka fans who would like a 70s-era iron-on of your favorite bike brand, I'd be happy to give you this for free. The catch is, you have to eat the gum. C-

Best Quote: "ASK YOUR MOM TO HELP!"

Duran Duran

Three cards, three stickers, and one piece of wrapped, clearly-labelled Bazooka chewing gum. It's somehow blasphemous to have wrapped gum in a trading card packet. I thought it was a federal law that they had to contain one piece of naked pink rectangular gum with all the physical properties of drywall except that the flavor only lasts half as long. As for the cards: spiky hair, dewy eyes, and a surprising lack of photos of drum machines. I'm disappointed that they didn't include scratch-and-sniff stickers, because I for one would like to know what the hell a sound smells like. C

Best Quote: "During the New York tour, Andy perched himself on the window ledge and strummed away."

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