The Book of Ratings | Old Trading Cards I Bought at a Shop in San Francisco, Part 3

data/tradingcards3.html The Book of Ratings | Old Trading Cards I Bought at a Shop in San Francisco, Part 3

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OLD TRADING CARDS I BOUGHT AT A SHOP IN SAN FRANCISCO, PART 3

Truckin'

You see, I hear "truckin'" and I think pedal to the metal, C.W. McCall, and to a lesser extent the Doo-Dah Man. This, however, is pickup truckin', and in at least two instances, vannin'. To be fair, they're nice vans. They're clearly the sort of vans where if you wish to come a-knockin' you're going to have a hard time finding an appropriate moment. The trucks are much less impressive and all look like they should have "$1200 OBO" written on the window in chalk, but that may just be the decades talking. Pickup trucks don't age gracefully, but a van with curtains in the windows and a desert-scape painted on the side is forever. C+

Best Quote: "Interior: wood grain steering wheel, naugahyde with lots of buttons."

21 Jump Street

The most influential television show that nobody cares about, 21 Jump Street followed the lives and loves of some people who did stuff. In keeping with that theme, these cards depict those self-same people, in many cases doing stuff. Only five cards, though. Cheap bastards. The card-backs are the usual complement of photo-puzzle pieces and upbeat factoids aboout the show. I dunno. There's Johnny Depp. Johnny Depp's pretty cool. I'd buy a pack of "Fear and Loathing" cards. Do they make mescaline gum? D

Best Quote: "Our show, in its music, clothing and style gives an accurate picture of what it's like in high school today."

Galaxy Wars

The packaging depicts some sort of muscle-guy space superhero and his young...let's say "protege"...admiring the indecipherable squiggles on their arms. Each of them has a squiggle that looks vaguely like a space elephant, so I'm guessing they're members of the Space Elephant Corps. Very tiny members of the Space Elephant Corps: If they used the little tattoos that came in the package, they're each two feet tall, tops. The tattoos that I got were so lame as to make me yearn for a nice manly space elephant. For example, one was a shield design reading "SPACE NUT." That's not something you want to go advertising. D+

Best Quote: "DO NOT APPLY TO FACE!"

Yo! MTV Raps

This is a pretty comprehensive set of cards. I got M.C. Hammer, L.L. Cool J, Digital Underground and pretty much every 80s rap band I can recall with the exceptions of the Boys Fat and Beastie. Plus, nothing says "quality musical entertainment" like neon leopard print borders. The backs are the usual press-kit puffery, although at least they had the courage to admit that Vanilla Ice's real name is Robert Van Winkle. That really should have been a warning sign. I don't care where your scars came from, you can't be a rapper if you answer to "Bob Van Winkle." B

Best Quote: "M.C. Hammer currently endorses Pepsi-Cola and British Knight sneakers."

Garbage Pail Kids

Nothing gives you an appreciation for deformed babies like wading through picture after picture of eighties TV stars with weird hair and perfect teeth. After that, a cartoon of a kid wailing as liquid drips from his urine-filled pants is refreshing like a cool spring zephyr. I look at a picture of a toy toddler whose head is covered in spidery purple veins, and I smile as if I were watching a newborn colt take its first steps. I never got into Garbage Pail Kids when I was the target market, but somehow I've learned to appreciate the subtle irony and poignant satire that emblazoned a million school lockers. Carry on, small horrible creatures. Carry on. A

Best Quote: "The Garbage Gang® Featuring Armpit BRITT and Hamburger PATTIE"

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